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This is exhuasting. And the kid isn't even mine. I love Donna to death, but Robbie makes me very glad that I'll always be "Uncle Nathan", and never "Daddy."
I think I need a drink.Current Mood:  tired |
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I haven't called Will yet, for that coffee I mentioned last week. I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with the idea, even though it was my idea to be friends. I'm not afraid to admit I'm more than a little nervous about the whole thing. But at least I've got Donna.
( Phone call and dinner. I spend more time at Donna's, than I do at my own home. )Current Mood:  nervous |
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I just hung up the phone with Donna. I... I don't know what to think. There's this ridiculous hope for second chances, that, honestly, Donna just squashed. I don't blame her, though. I don't blame anybody but myself really. Whatever possessed me to pick up that phone and call him in the first place, I have no idea.
I don't even know what I wanted tomorrow night to be. I guess, even after all this time, I expected too much from him.
( Well, we'll see if he still shows up, after this. )Current Mood:  stressed |
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How does he always manage to do this to me? Did he really need to talk to me?
( Now he wants to explain... )
But then, I didn't need to take his number.Current Mood:  confused |
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It's so odd seeing all these people trickle into Paris. I enjoyed the quiet of Donna, Joe, and I, with the occasionaly MacLeod thrown in. I mean, it's really great seeing Matt and Dana, even Amanda, but I suppose I'm going to miss the solitude of just the four of us. And the girls, too, of course.
Seeing the Immortals trickle in almost makes me miss being a Watcher. Almost. I really like teaching, and I love the school. But even I have to admit, it doesn't have the same adventuring edge that watching did.
And I saw Will last night, for the first time in nine years. Hasn't changed much, but I suppose I didn't really expect him too. He seemed alot more uncomfortable than me (probably because I was pretending he wasn't there), but is it childish for that to please me?Current Mood:  contemplative |
| » Private-- Walking away shouldn't be this easy for him |
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I don't get it. I just don't. We were trying so fucking hard to make it work, and I thought we were doing okay. I really did.
I quit the fucking Watchers, so I wouldn't have to leave him.
But he's packing. Packing his fucking things, instead of sitting down and dealing with it like the man he pretends to be. I want to be surprised. I want to not have been expecting this whole fucking thing since he got back. But I didn't, and it fucking hurts. Go ahead, feed me some bullshit line about how your trying to protect me. Fuck you. You're scared and won't deal with it.
It's just. I really loved him. And I swear to god, I thought he loved me too.
( It seems so fucking easy for him )
Aug. 11th, 2004 @ 06:36 am
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| » Surprisingly uncomfortable. |
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Despite being busy these past few days, I can't help but feel useless. I couldn't do anything when Will was missing, and now... I need to know that there's something I can do, some way for me to help. But again, there's nothing for me to do, except, maybe, drive Will crazy.
( Went to sit with Will )
* * *
( I needed to talk to Donna, so I called her. )
* * *
( And then I brought Will home )
Jul. 23rd, 2004 @ 12:12 am
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| » Private |
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I really hate hospitals. I hate being in them, I hate having someone I love there, and I hate having to deal with them while Will's still healing. They make my skin itch. At least Will's looking much better, and will be out of there soon.
( He woke up. And I think he'll be okay. )
Jul. 20th, 2004 @ 08:44 pm
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| » He's Alive |
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We found Will last night. Half conscious, but alive. I... I don't believe any of what Donna found out. I can't believe it. He wouldn't do that to me.
The doctors are setting his broken foot now, but have assured me that he'll be fine. Thanks to Donna's badge, they didn't try to kick me out when visiting hours ended.
( The Resuce Mission )
Jul. 18th, 2004 @ 10:01 pm
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| » Private Post-- Donna only. |
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His car. His fucking car. I can't believe it. Donna showed me the pictures and it looks like someone drove it into a tree, backed up into a truck, and then drove into the tree again. I keep having nightmares of it, even though Donna's near postive he wasn't in the car at the time. But it's all I see when I close my eyes. And my suddenly overactive imagination keeps adding a bruised and broken body.
Any fear I had about him walking away from me has now been replaced with one much colder.
( I keep hoping it's good news. At least I could help Donna that little bit. )
Jul. 10th, 2004 @ 06:04 pm
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| » Private |
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Will's... missing. He left a note, telling me he was going over to Matt's and then for a drive, but then he never came home. I'm really trying not to panic, but I called Matt's, the other day, ( and nobody's seen or heard anything. )
I can't help but think that maybe he decided that he couldn't be bothered with me anymore, or that I was taking up too much of his time or effort. And I don't know what I'd rather think... Either he left me, or something really bad happened to him. Right now, I don't know which would be worse.
And Mike keeps calling me to meet him for dinner. I think that's too much, even if I wasn't worried sick over Will. I think it's time I went to Donna's.
Jul. 2nd, 2004 @ 12:40 am
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| » Private. |
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I woke up before Will today. Not something that happens very often, but I didn't sleep well, last night, and I finally gave up and opted instead to just lay there next to him.
Last night... Last night was good. I suppose I needed to pretend like everything was okay. And it is. I know that. I just... need to deal with this.
It's odd, you know. I mean, I'm the one that left him, no matter what the circumstances were. It shouldn't bother me so much. I should have just closed the door, gone back to Will, and forgotten the whole thing. I certianly should not be sitting here, staring at the slip of paper with his number.
I wonder if it's some morbid curoisity that making me itch to call.
Jun. 21st, 2004 @ 10:40 am
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| » This is getting to be too much. |
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I don't understand how my days go from being really good, to terrible. And this isn't going to get better quickly, either.
( [Unreadable] I feel like it's been ages. )
But then... Fuck. I really just want to know how the hell he found me. And why?
( [Unreadable] I really meant to tell him about the calls. )
Jun. 20th, 2004 @ 07:31 pm
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| » And Will thinks I'm a distraction. |
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God damnit. If that fucking phone rings one more time... I'm so close to just pulling the cord out. I keep telling Will it's telemarketers, but I don't think he believes me. Luckily, he's working to hard to really notice.
( [Unreadable] What possessed me to fall in love with a work-a-holic? )
Jun. 19th, 2004 @ 12:27 pm
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| » He's got his own drawer, now. |
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You know, I'm really enjoying waking up next to him, every morning. It's really... nice. I don't like the fact that my watch is harrassing him, though. I feel like I should have been paying more attention, or something. I should have known Amanda was going to his apartment in the first place. I guess I'm not doing my job well enough.
And I've been getting an aweful lot of hang-ups lately. I probably should let Donna know...
( [Unreadable] We really meant to watch the movie! Honest! )
Jun. 15th, 2004 @ 03:55 pm
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| » I'm really a fool (Filtered Post: Donna Only) |
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Please tell me why I thought it'd be a good idea for Will and I to talk? These things always end bad.
And it's usually my fault.
*sigh* But I suppose there are things he needs to know... and maybe it would be better then. I mean, he's right, I've barely told him anything about me. None of the big things, and little of the small stuff.
And I want it to work. I remember when I told him, in the begining, that we'd take it one day at a time. Well, we're going to make that happen. Even if we slow it down a bit. Maybe we need that...
In the mean time, I'm going to go do laundry.
Jun. 4th, 2004 @ 05:24 pm
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| » And the harder we try... |
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I went over there last night to talk to him, because I missed him, and I suppose we worked stuff out. After we finished yelling at each other, the rest of the evening went rather well. Better than it's been in a long time.
( Baby Steps. It's going to take time... )
And then... Then we were both wakened by something at the door. God damn. That poor girl.
( Fuck. )
And Will's been gone since. Donna and I took care of everything, and all I can do now is wait for Will to call me. But I've got the feeling he's going to be busy the next couple of days.
May. 27th, 2004 @ 09:49 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Everytime I think things might be getting better, I go and screw it up again.
I blame Amanda. This isn't my fault.
( And now it's serious... )
May. 25th, 2004 @ 04:01 pm
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| » Only so much I can do... |
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I went out to dinner with Will last night. I had to drag him out, but out he went. And it was good. At least, I think it was. I saw a bunch of family photos he had out and he actally talked about them! I was pretty surprised.
But then, almost right after Will and I parted ways, Donna ended up almost passing out infront of my door. *sigh* I love her, I really go, but I'm getting close to hitting her over the head.
( A drunk Donna is not fun. )
( And the next morning. )
May. 19th, 2004 @ 09:15 pm
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